I have a huge circle of friends and acquaintances; around five people are the closest. But none of them knows when something bad happens in my life, whether it is a painful break-up, problems in the university, or the stress because of combining work and study. Rather, they certainly learn about everything, but later, when the heartache is over and I can more or less calmly talk about my misfortunes.
Many are offended that I keep everything inside. Once, my friend told me that I was too private because I have been always saying "everything is fine," and I almost never told what worried me. But it is not that I do not trust my friends. I just know for sure: As soon as a person starts talking about his/her problems, they grow to gigantic proportions and seem to be a Sisyphus’s stone, a great and inevitable evil.
I do not know how it works. Perhaps, a cocktail of self-pity and anger at the world around, which gave you this problem. However, I have never heard one suddenly saying, "Our conversation helped me understand: I am to blame for the situation!" No. Nobody complains to the others in the hope of changing something in themselves so as once to discover that the problem has disappeared. Everyone needs just a friendly empathy. But crying together is not friendship and empathy. Just two people found each other at the right time: One wants to grieve about his or her misfortunes and hear how good he/she is, and the other has personal reasons for communicating with the whiner (from the desire to find a reason for gossip).
What Prevents Us from Feeling Happiness?
There are certain factors in psychology that result into a definite view of life and yourself.
- Anxiety. The constant feeling of danger and the tendency to experience stress reduce the positive perception of oneself and the world around us. Troubled people often expect a negative development of events, are sensitive to uncertainty, afraid of a new one, their self-esteem is deflated and they do not believe in their own strength;
- Generalization. If there is a failure while a child, it can be transferred to the whole experience when a person is an adult already;
- Suppression. The inability to talk about negative emotions and the tendency to hide them from others create inner discontent with oneself and with life;
- Responsibility. One is more pessimistic when he/she sees the causes of all the troubles in him/herself. Everyone who can see in the event not only a personal role but the external factors and the confluence of time and place as well is optimistic about the future;
- Experience. Based on past experience, which has already been repeated, a "conditioned reflex," automatism, is being formed. So, in a situation of uncertainty, due to the habit, the thought about a negative outcome can immediately arise. To avoid bad emotions, a person will avoid the task by any means.
How to Learn to Be Happy
- Refer to your successful experience. When you are ready to lose heart, remember that in a similar situation you have already achieved a lot. Do not generalize the negative experience to the whole your life or personality;
- Support yourself with sports, walking, favorite music, and socializing. A negative mood background can be associated with a decreased level of hormones of happiness in the body, dopamine and serotonin;
- Learn to ask or at least signal that you need support;
- Learn to deal effectively with stress. At the emotional level, this is an ability to say the feelings, relieve tension through sports or art. On the rational, it is a behavior strategy developing and checking your own resources (what can I do?);
- Give the person the opportunity to take a load off their mind: If the person complains a lot, do not immediately try to cheer him/her up. Sometimes, a complaint is a way to reduce anxiety from upcoming events;
- Complaining, you seem to delegate responsibility for what happens to the hero of your claims. Speaking directly about what does not suit you, you take control of the situation pulling yourself together and starting to change something;
- Distribute responsibility. Irritation often accompanies a person who is unable to throw off some of the responsibilities that do not belong to him/her;
- Set realistic goals, do not demand the impossible from yourself, weigh your forces and resources. Moving forward step by step, you will enjoy the progress;
- Learn to get new knowledge from any situation. Experience cannot be negative: At least, it will show what is not worth to do. If you open this link, your experience will be certainly positive.
And yet, why do some people know how to laugh when they are sad, while the others are always unhappy? Where did the first take a force leading them to happiness in spite of everything that inevitably happens to everyone?
And the second, having failed, lose all aspirations and turn into whiners, embittered at life, circumstances, and surrounding. They are constantly ill because they are not dressed in season and they looking unconsciously for self-destructive relationships.
The will to happiness is a cocktail of character traits, a special attitude to life, and human behavior. No one in the world can boast that everything is fine in his/her life. But there are those who stubbornly do not notice the bad weather, failures in love or at school.
It seems to me that the main thing is to have a goal, clear, big, perhaps even incomprehensible.